The Lollypop Lady Killers
by Avispotions
Summary: Just shawn and Gus yanking lassie's leash, General tomfoolery and shenanigans. May develop into a full episode if I can get the characterisation right. Ok I now have a plot, this will be a full story set in short scenes. Sorry I've changed the title again to reflect the case.
1. Lassie treats

"Gus, Gus...Gusus!"

"What shawn?! I'm busy" asked Gus without even looking up from his paper work.

"Busy shmisy, you've been staring at that paper for ages, doing nothing."

"Memorising Shawn! We're not all like you, some of us work for a living."

Gus replied while continuing to read,

"I work for a living"

At this Gus looked up and gave Shawn a mocking stare.

"What raising your hand to your temple and flipping out in front of the chief, I'm going to ignore the little lap dance you did on Lassiter, that was no vision, I think you did that just to psych him out!"

"Gus its what I do."

"It's like your twelve Shawn. Now what do you want so I can get back to ignoring you?

"Jerk chicken!"

"It's 10.30 shawn."

"Jerk Chicken!"

"Your a Jerk."

"That makes you the Chicken."

"Whatever shawn, haven't you got anyone else to annoy?"

"Nope Henry's fishing, Correction yes I have; lassiter!"

"You must be outa your damn mind?that's the hand that feeds us, correction it's the hand that feeds you, I have a job remember?and I need to research this new drug so shut up Shawn."

"Don't be the prickle on the pear Gus.

I'm calling lassy.."

"No your not."

Shawn picked up their cordless phone, swung his feet up on his desk and leaned back in his chair.

"Watch me Gus."

His fingers dialled a number with the speed of well practiced ease. It rang three times, before the familier curt voice answered. 'not busy then,' he thought smiling at Gus, who was determinedly reading his report.

" Lassiter."

'Hello?' Shawn changed the pitch of his voice a little as he began to wind up the detective.

'Yes?'

'How may I help you, Sir?' shawn questioned with a smirk.

'I beg your pardon, but you are the one who just called me!' snapped Lassiter, clearly irritated already.

'Sorry sir, but you have just called me.' Shawn replied pompously.

'No, you are the one who has called me.'

'You'd better reveal your name and state your business or else I will have to hang up'

"What are you nuts?" Lasiter asked incredulously

Shawn hung up laughing, Gus shook his head in despair, "Pathetic shawn pathetic."

"Not finished Gus, Not finished."

He dialled the phone number again.

"Detective Carlton Lassiter"

"It's you again! That's it I'm calling the cops, stop ringing me. Are you a stalker?' Shawn grinned at the thought of the exasperation he would be causing the short tempered man.

"In the name of sweet justice who is this? I am detective Carlton Lassiter of the SBPD. I suggest you desist calling unless you want a trace putting on your calls, Although if you do feel like a night in the cells feel free to call again."

"Are you asking me out Lassyface?"

"Spencer!Is that you? I will report you to the chief, need I remind you Spencer what happens when you interfere with police time?"

"uh... The case gets solved?"

"You guy's are so funny. Just you remember that when I haul your ass in the cell, and you have to take a dump in front of six huge, gun tattooed men, that means you to Guster I know your there."

Gus immediately glared at shawn "Dude, why?"

Shawn shrugged and mouthed across to Gus,

"Because it's fun to play with Lassy."

"Ok Spencer, I can't mess around with you today, I need to do some real police work."

"What work's that then? Has the donut delivery arrived, or have you got a case to proof-read and pass to me?"

"I would rather dance in a tutu in the chief's office than willingly pass a case to you Mr Spencer."

In the background shawn heard a voice interrupting the phone call.

"Delivery of Donuts for a detective Lassiter curtesy of Burton Guster."

Detective Carlton Lassiter groans.

"Guess it's just the Donuts then Lassie! I knew you were just teasing me about the case."

"That's it! I'm getting a special dispensation to shoot you in the head. - please get those Donuts off my desk, I don't care if they are for me..."

The Shawn heard the unmistakeable 'Clunk' of the phone being put down.

"Gus... he hung up, I'm hurt."

"I'm just surprised you kept him on the phone that long."

"Well, he did say thank you for the donuts you had sent to him."

"Don't mess with me Shawn."

Gus looked around the room wildly as if expecting the head detective to come running into the office with his Glock 17 de-holstered and ready to be pointed at his head.

"Gus, relax Lassie doesn't bite, and he knows the donuts were from me."

Shawn Grinned. "So by the time we get to the restaurant it will be 11am that's almost lunch time, so Jerk chicken?"

"You know that's right"

"Sweeet"

They made there way outside, just before closing the door shawn pushed Gus to one side.

"Sorry dude forgot my credit card."

Gus stood aside allowing Shawn back in the psych office.

Shawn ran over to the desk perched himself on it and picked up the phone.

Gus popped his head around the door,

"Shawn you don't have a credit card, I know you cant be doing what I think your doing."

Shawn scrunched up his face and made a shushing sound.

The phone rang out five times then the dulcet tones of a really agitated detective answered.

"Detective Carlton Lassiter."

Shawn changed his voice once again.

"Good morning detective, I'm just calling to ask if you will be attending the Santa Barbara police ball next month."

"We don't have balls"

"Seriously dude, how many times?"

"That's it I'm coming over, and so help me..."

Clunk, this time Shawn put the phone down, he ran over to Gus and pushed him out of the door way. Shutting the door behind him.

"Whoa... I think lassy might bite after all, think I gave him Distension. Let's run a?"

"Its Distemper Shawn."

"I've heard it both ways."

"Your an idiot Shawn."


	2. Chasing Maturity

Lassiter smirked as Chief Vic delivered a thorough set down aimed at the the psych duo. Words and phrases like; unprofessional, laughing stock and a danger to the reputation of the SBPD, flew through the air of her office. Shawn and Gus flinched as her voice rose with each damning word.

"You ran after a perp, in a dangerous situation with out police back up. You were told the perp was armed and dangerous, yet you still antagonised him and chased him across a busy street, knowing I might add that detective Lassiter was on his way. What exactly happened then? Mr Guster why don't you summarise the resulting situation?"

Gus elbowed Shawn letting him know exactly where he apportioned the blame. "The perp was fleeing the scene, I said we should wait for police back up, Shawn said he was told to handle the situation. So we chased after him... well I say we, really I chased after him; Shawn got cramp."

" In my defence chief I had just eaten a foot long meat ball sub followed by a pineapple smoothie. I wasn't ready to perform to my usual sprinting standard."

Gus scoffed, "That of a eight year old girl!"

"That's enough Mr Spencer, and please ... Mr Guster, cut to the chase."

Lassiter let out his false laugh while nodding in fake appreciation. "Nice pun chief."

Chief Vick scowled at Lassiter, then returned her gaze to Gus giving him the nod to continue.

"Anyway I was keeping the perp in my sights, I realised that Shawn was way behind. Then the perp pulled out his gun and discharged his weapon. I had no idea he was armed. Again, thank you for telling me about the weaponry Shawn."

"What happened after the shots were fired Mr Guster?" The Chief asked impatiently.

Gus hung his head in shame.

"There was wide spread panic chief."

"And how Mr Spencer, did the city end up with a traffic pile up that cost the tax payer over a hundred thousand dollars?"

" When I heard the shots, I looked up from my position of cramp inspired pain, to see Gus, my best friend, fall flat on his face across the street screaming in agony. At this point I ran across said street to aid my best friend in true heroic style."

"Mr Guster, were you hurt?"

"No mam."

"Just yellow livered and scared chief" clarified Lassiter.

"How many people were actually hurt, as a result of your inability to follow basic traffic awareness guidelines?"

Shawn shrugged.

"Fifteen whiplash claims chief!" answered Lassiter for him.

"Did Henry not show you how to cross roads when you were five?"

"We held hand's... Honestly Chief, you can't expect me to have done that! It clearly wasn't possible, as my best friend and partner in street crossing was shot! And lassie bless his little black and whites, still hadn't arrived to back us up. Anyways, I really think lassie would have kicked me straight into the traffic if I asked him to hold my hand to cross the street, so that wouldn't have made any difference."

The chief shook her head in extreme agitation, ignored him and continued.

"So you ran across the road with out looking, causing the biggest motor pile up Santa Barbara has ever seen. In conclusion Gentlemen I'm going to insist you take some in house departmental training."

Shawn opened his mouth to speak.

"No... Let me finish Mr Spencer, unless you sit any course and fill any roll or capacity that Head Detective Carlton Lassiter allocates, you will not be given any further cases with the department."

The Smirk gracing Lassiter's lips slipped off. "But chief I'm too busy to arrange special Ed. classes for these two morons." Lassiter waved his hand in the general direction of Shawn and Gus.

"I'm sure you can make room in your highly busy schedule detective."

Lassiter Scowled and questioned the Chief further.

" I'm not sure you're thinking straight, do you not remember the disaster that was the academy training?"

"I do indeed, detective. Why are you questioning me? Do I need to remind you who I am?"

"No... Chief!" he replied straightening up military style, glaring at Shawn as he did so.

"All right then. Gentleman see you listen to the detective." she said condescendingly.

"We always listen to Lassie he has a lovely voice doesn't he Gus?"

"Shut up Shawn" Gus hissed.

"Listen and Learn Mr Spencer" she clarified.

"Oh right sorry chief, Yeah... We never learn, no matter how lovely the voice."

"Are you out of your damn mind? Stop making this worse Shawn.

"Wise advise Mr Guster, now please leave my office and return when you can comport yourselves in a mature and professional manner."

Shawn and Gus turned to leave. Just as Lassiter sent a parting shot.

"That's just great chief, thank you... It's taken thirty-three years for them to reach the maturity level of a twelve year year old A.D.H.D sufferer. So working on the age of reasonable maturity being about twenty-four, that means we never have to see them again until they are sixty-six. And sweet justice prevailing, at that point I shall be retired and living on a ranch."

Shawn raised his fingers to his temple, winced, then shook his head sadly. "No ...I'm sorry lassie, my Psychic ju ju is telling me different, your going to get shot in the line of duty. But he's right chief, I'm not inclined to resign to maturity."

The chief jumped up adopted an aggressive position and bellowed,

"Just get out!"

Shawn and Gus bustled out of the office.

Lassiter was leaning against the wall, bristling slightly at Shawn's latest psychic vision. He opened his mouth to complain again,

"You to detective, out!" she shouted.

The door swung behind him as he angrily made his exit.

_**Is anybody interested in what job Lassiter gives them?**_

_**Or in the prank they pull on Lassie to get back at him?**_

_**If so let me know and I will continue posting.**_


	3. Shut up Spencer!

Lassiter stormed out of the office bawling for Shawn and Gus to follow him into the interrogation room, the place where Lassiter always felt the most confident.

He started to berate them the moment they entered the room.

"Well fantastic Spencer! You've outdone yourself. When I became Head detective, I didn't realise I would spend many of my days wasteing police time and resources listening to you prank call me. Nobody warned me that my official duty would include baby sitting you and your brother from another mother when ever the chief gets pissed with her little psychic ."

Shawn smilled and turned to his friend, "Well, it could be another father, we're not clear on that are we Gus?"

"Hell yes we are! It's defiantly another father, there is no way I'm related to Henry, he's obviously all you Shawn."

"Hey you're bald, he's bald, you both scold me, I can imagine a world where Henry Spencer might have had a paddle in Mr Guster's pool. I can see now why my family never got invited round for tea at the Guster household, they never forgave Henry for diddling your mum..."

Gus decided to interrupt at this point.

"Firstly yuck, Secondly, No Shawn, they didn't like you, thats why I didn't get to invite you over often."

Shawn ignored him and carried on rambling, much to Lassiter's disgust. "...however I have a head of hair as thick and lush as my mum's coupled with her easy going nature. Plus it would be such a bonus to me to find out that you truly are my brother, and that Henry is not my father."

"Just because you've decided Henry is my father, doesn't stop him bring yours!"

"Damn it! I can't catch a break."

Lassiter was leaning his elbows against his desk, with his head in his his hands. At what seemed like the end of this childish interchange, he resolutely snapped upright, bringing his hands down to dramatically bang them on the desk top.

"Shut up!shut up! Shut up! On all that's holy will you just shut the hell up! before I throw the book at you both."

With each aggressive exclamation he banged his fist against the desk, effectively punctuating his words.

Gus and Shawn eyed him nervously.

"I think he's going to kill us shawn"

"I know, Take him out, sweep his leg"

"I'm not sweeping his leg! He's behind a desk Shawn!"

"Move the desk and sweep his leg."

"Who do you think I am? Bruce Banner?"

"No... think bigger think greener, bring out the rage monster."

"Shawn, all I have is the tap dancing and the super smeller. The only one here likely to bring out the rage monster is Lassiter."

"You guys never quit being jerks do you? I haven't got time for this, I've got so many cases and on top of that a con has..." Lassiter broke off and just said "Never mind, ignore me."

"Lassie... your holding out on us... What's the sitch? A con has what Lassie? " Shawn asked excitedly.

Lassiter sighed heavily and held his hands up in resignation. "I can't believe I'm about to do this... remember I'm only doing it so I can get you and Chief Vick off my case. I... Well I need your assistance." Lassiter said regretfully. This surprisingly appeared to be a brilliant way to shut them both up. They mutedly stood waiting to hear an explanation. So he continued, "Come on, I want to show you something. It's big, don't tell the chief, Officially I'm not allowed to discus this with you."

Shawn and Gus stared at each other in equal amounts of befuddlement.

This was new, Lassiter never wanted to show them anything other than the door.

Sobered they followed Lassie to the cells.

As they neared the cells Shawn asked;

"Do you want me to psychically read a prisoner to get a confession?"

"No, Spencer." Lassiter looked round checking over his shoulder for on lookers. He beckoned them closer, and whispered conspiratorially , We have had a break out, the Chief's head is on the line, and as much as I want that job, I don't want it at the cost to the bureau's fine name."

"Ok lassyfrass what do you want us to do?"

"I want you to get what you would call a psychic reading from the cell, although we both know thats a crock, I don't know how you do it, and honestly I don't care."

"Yes you doooo. " Shawn teased in a sing song voice. "Doesn't he Gus?

"Lassiter Doth protest to much." Gus agreed.

"Doth? What's that French?"

Lassiter quickly broke this new flow of idiocy and interjected;

"look just tell me how he did it, and if I get you the files on the perp, tell me where he's headed. Then maybe just maybe all this nonsense between you and the chief will just blow over."

"Ok! Magic head you heard detective dipstick..."

Lassiter grimaced, Gus winced.

Shawn held his hands up in a gesture of admittance.

"Oh yeah, sorry Gus, just slipped out, ignore me Lassie, that's just our special behind your back nickname... My bad!" he patted Lassiter's shoulder and continued "Although, it's always said in affection, I swear."

Lassiter smiled showing clenched teeth. "forget it Spencer, just do what you do." he waived his hand dismissively towards the cell.

Gus and shawn stepped through the prison door. Lassiter made to follow them. Stopping just short of the entrance, he slammed the cell door shut and locked it with a practiced hand.

The pair jumped and turned to look at Lassiter Questioningly.

Shawn spun round the cell Dramaticly. "My psychic sence is telling me that this is a crafty trick of lassie's to get us out of his salt and pepper."

Lassiter clapped his hands mockingly the sound echoing around the barren cell. "Spencer! I misjudged you. You really are Psychic! That was your most astute reading yet. Although shouldn't you have seen this coming, you know as a psychic?"

"The prison facility blocks many of the psychic visions Lassie. The implied restrictions inhibit the psychic senses. Everyone knows that."

"Re-ally? Well Spencer should you ever be in this position again, I recommend using your common sense. Although that appears to be blocked as well."

Lassiter smiled brightly turned on his heel and left the cell's.


End file.
